Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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