I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
