My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
