New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm like, not good at living.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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