my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dicks are not precious.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
