Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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