So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
