The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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