I accidentally burped into my bong.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
