I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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