you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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