Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
