Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
