Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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