dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
