Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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