I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
