I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
