im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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