I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
