In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
