Duck Duck Cougar?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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