I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize