i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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