I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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