K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
