My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
