Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
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In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
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I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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