I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
