I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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