sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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