so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
