Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
