dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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