I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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