tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He felt like a one man threesome
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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