someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
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Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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