Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
