A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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