My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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