i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
