Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
