i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
