I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
