youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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