i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
