just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
