Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
