i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
