Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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