we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
