Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
