tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Girls should come with a carfax report
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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