My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
