Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
