I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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