You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
