I looked at my own cervix.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize