I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
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I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
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Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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