Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
